Press release from the Prime Minister's Office

It has come to light that since 2001 more Australians have died falling out of bed than at the hands of terrorists. In consequence, we are now declaring a war on beds. As part of the SleepSafe campaign, all beds will be monitored for adherence to new requirements. Mandatory movement orders will be introduced so that we, your government, can ensure that all beds are in an optimal position for safety. In some cases, cages will be constructed around particularly at-risk beds. An oversight committee with additional enforcement powers will be created to handle the new proceedings. All bed manufacturers and retailers will be required to report monthly tracking data, and citizens attempting to purchase restricted bed forms will be placed on a watch list. As this is a security matter, disclosure of any information publicly could result in prosecution. This is not a cause for concern, but an opportunity to deal swiftly with a national crisis which was completely ignored by the previous government. Thank you very much.